Taylor’s Blog

Hello people, welcome to my blog. I never thought I’d be writing a blog, I even put it on my list of things that I hope to never do in my life. I’ve decided that since I’ve gone against the list on a few occasions (i.e. purchasing Diff’rent Strokes season 1 on DVD) I might as well keep on going. I’ve read many blogs written by heartbroken young teenagers, pouring out their souls, writing poems about life and love; and comedians complaining about how their careers are going nowhere and how they’re questioning why they were put on this earth…now I can’t promise that my blog entries will be as humorous as those, but I will do my best.

If you don’t know me, let me tell you a little about myself. I’m 19 years old, I’m a stand-up comedian, and I live in Los Angeles. I’m currently enrolled in my second year at California State University Northridge, where your tax paying dollars go towards me not going to class. As my comedy career is taking off strongly, I’m becoming increasingly apathetic towards school. Every time I’m in class I think to myself, “Why am I here?” But don’t get me wrong, if any of you are thinking about not going to college and following your hopes and dreams without a proper education, I would strongly advise the opposite. It’s so important to get a degree….or something like that.

Besides the picture of myself with Bob Saget, comedy is probably the most important thing to me. I know I have issues when I can say that I can’t see myself being happy doing anything else with my life. My passion for performing and making people laugh helps me wake up every morning (or usually afternoon) looking forward to getting on stage that night and trying out some new material. Most of the people I hang out with are bitter/depressed comedians ranging in ages from 25-50 who have performed everywhere from Comedy Central to HBO - I hope to be just like them someday.

I really don’t have a lot of friends my own age. Since I’m rarely on campus and don’t attend school functions, I haven’t given myself the opportunity to associate with too many young people. Well, I do meet some who hang out at comedy clubs, but I really do my best to stay away from most of them. The guys my age who attend comedy shows think Dane Cook is the funniest person alive, and the girls, albeit often very attractive, also think Dane Cook is the funniest person alive, and that is just not acceptable. Now don’t get me wrong, Dane Cook has some really funny jokes, I just think that they’re funnier when Louis CK tells them (that’s me trying to be controversial and edgy). I’ve been told that I am mature for my age, but I’m also hanging out with a bunch of comics who are immature for their age; I like to stay humble and assume that they make me look better. I just believe that there’s got to be more to life than getting drunk, trying to be popular, and following the lives of reality TV stars. Then again, I also believe that Universal Soldier starring Jean-Claude Van Damme is one of the greatest movies ever made.

Thanks for reading my first blog entry. Tell your friends to read this. Tell your grandma. This is my first time doing one of these things, so I’ll probably have some great entries the first few weeks, and then I’ll get burnt out, apathetic, and starts leaving entries like “you’re gay” or “nothing happened today.” So keep checking back for that.

I really should go to class more often. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to get an education; I’m just looking to not miss out on watching a mock slave auction in the quad. Last Tuesday at my school, this is just what happened. It’s funny already, isn’t it? The skit was put together by the Black Student Union to “educate and raise consciousness of students.” The students acted as slaves, slave auctioneers, and bidders. According to the CSUN Daily Sundial, the pregnant slave went for $450 because she was “good for breeding.” Now I’m no cheapskate, but I know a bargain when I see one.

There is no question that slavery is a disgusting and horrible part of our history that should be not be ignored or forgotten. Racism is still alive and well today, and I’m not arguing against this. But the fact that something like this was allowed to happen on school property is appalling to me. What I find to be even more amazing is how the BSU really feels that this is going to make a difference and that this is somehow going to make a positive change in our culture. Some of you may say that it is their right to do it, citing freedom of speech. One of my favorite quotes that I like to claim to have come up with goes something like this: “People use freedom of speech as an excuse for freedom of thought, which many avoid.” The article in our student newspaper said “Several members of the audience expressed various sentiment about the reenactment.” I read through the entire thing, anticipating someone saying how I felt and how I’m sure many other students did, but all I found were quotes saying things like “It was spectacular” and “it was very powerful to me.” I really hate people; not specific skin colors, just people in general. I honestly can’t blame anyone for not speaking up, because then they would’ve been pegged as a racist. I really would’ve enjoyed it though.

“’Fred Stevens, a 2nd year student spoke out against the mock slave auction saying “I’m against slavery as well as mock slave auctions on campus.” He was later expelled for hating black people, and the school was sued for $45,000, or the price of 100 pregnant slaves.’” And yes, I realize this last joke was a rip-off of the new Wendy’s commercials for their dollar menu.

I’ve decided to get together with my friends in the Jewish Student Union, we’re going to put together a little mock holocaust. Just so people remember that it happened. Oh, you say you know it happened? Well let me remind you. Does anyone have a mock gas chamber I can borrow? I need some really, really skinny people too. This isn’t a joke, people need to know what my ancestors went through. Stop saying that you know and recognize it, you need to see it while you’re leaving the library and going to your Astronomy class! Oh, you don’t go to class? Well maybe if you went to class then you wouldn’t have time to be such a racist. That’s right, I said it. I am controversial.

Stay tuned for my review of the mock trail of tears and mock potato famine.

(Disclaimer to anyone that is related to me or knows such people: I made this entire story up. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. I live in a very nice neighborhood. Los Angeles is a safe place. I’m just a creative guy. Nothing below is factual.)

Everything that I am about to say is completely true and not the least bit exaggerated. This is one of those stories where if you heard it from someone else, your reaction would include such phrases as “Oh my god!” and “I can’t believe something so horrible happened to you. I’m so happy that you are OK.” But for some reason when I tell this story, people laugh, and tell me to slow down, because they cannot hear what I am saying, due to their laughing so hard. So here we go.

About a month ago, I went to see the Ian Bagg show at the Friar’s of Beverly Hills. What a hilarious and talented guy that Ian Bagg is. Louie Anderson happened to be there too, and I had the pleasure of speaking with the comedic legend. I had a great night. I got to my apartment around midnight, and parked my car. My Ford Escort was very messy, and I decided to clean it out. Apparently, midnight in Los Angeles = not a good time to clean your car. Two “gentlemen” came up to my car on either side, the one on my side started asking me questions pertaining to the bus schedule. I opened my door to let him know that I had no clue and said “sorry, I can’t help you.” Ironically, I ended up helping him out very much, and he swung the door open completely and started pulling my leg. He said “Get out of the car!” in a tone that made me feel like he was again, ironically, not pulling my leg at the same time. I fought it at first, and then decided that it wasn’t in my best interest, so I got on the ground. I guess he wasn’t expecting that, so he then said to me “Get on the ground!” I was even more baffled. Now I know how my dog feels when my four year old cousin tells her to “sit” while she’s already sitting. Poor doggy.

So I’m on the ground, and the guy gets in my car and lets his buddy get in the passenger seat. He tries to start the car several times and fails. This guy does not know how to drive a stick shift. I wanted to tell him how he has to put his foot on the clutch and turn the keys in the ignition at the right moment, but hey, I’m no backseat carjacker. The guy tells me to get in the car, drive them where they need to go, and he won’t hurt me. Now this was an interesting position I’m in. I have no where to run to, he has my keys, and they could easily kick my ass. So there’s that option, or I can get in the car and get some more material.

I’m in the car, driving these “gentlemen” a few miles down the street. Now the one in the passenger seat starts explaining himself, not apologizing, but just telling me how tough his life is. “Times are rough. My brother Tito just got shot and killed by a Mexican; You know those Mexicans.” That sentence alone was worth this entire experience. Oh, this might help you appreciate this a little more – Did I mention that these guys where black? Talk about a pot calling the kettle Mexican.

I dropped them off, and they get out. These guys didn’t steal anything, they didn’t hurt me, and most importantly, they didn’t say “Thank you.” I then pulled over, and called the police. I got the helicopter and everything. When the police came, the first officer I talked to didn’t believe my story. “So they tried to steal your car, couldn’t start it, you got in and drove them where they needed to go, they didn’t hurt you or steal anything?” “Exactly.” “Your eyes are dilated. Where you doing a deal? The only reason a white guy would come into this neighborhood is to score some coke.” I said, “Officer, I don’t do drugs? Haven’t you seen my act?” I didn’t say that, but I wanted to. My favorite thing that one of the cops asked me was, “We just have to know. Did you get in the car because you wanted to, or because you were worried about your safety?” To be honest with you guys, I wasn’t really worried about my safety, I just felt bad for these guys. In fact, I was worried about their safety. I don’t want them walking by themselves at midnight in the streets of L.A., who knows what kind of people they could run into! Maybe someone who doesn’t know how to use a gun, or maybe someone who wants to stab them, but forgot to read the instructions on their new knife. Don’t judge me, but I always wanted to be a pro-bono chauffeur for amateur carjackers.

What a crazy experience this was. I felt like I was in the movie Crash, or some other totally overrated film. Oprah and Gene Pompa, two people I respect and admire, both said that I shouldn’t have gotten in the car with the guys. I’m just glad to be alive. After someone experiences something as traumatic is this, they usually start to reevaluate how they live their life. One might say to himself, “I’m going to stop drinking.” Or maybe, “I’m going to start spending more time with my kids.” Well I don’t drink, and I don’t have any kids. So I’ve decided to start drinking and making babies. If anyone wants to help me out with this, please let me know. I’ve now been carjacked and kidnapped, what have you done in your life? I’ve got street cred, bitches.

Stay tuned for my next blog: Every time I watch a film starring Martin Lawrence I start to reevaluate the way I live my life.

I got an email from a guy I went to elementary school with, I haven’t talked to him in years. He told me that he has a wife and a baby. This guy is my age; he has a wife and a baby! I can’t imagine having a baby at my age. You’ve got to bathe it, you’ve got to feed it, you’ve got to change its diapers, I just can’t deal with anyone who’s that damn codependent. What am I getting out of this relationship? It takes two to tango baby, and we aren’t dancing. And a wife? Who wants a wife? I just got done spending the first 18 years of my life trying to get out of one cranky woman’s house; I’m in no hurry to move in with another.

You know there’s no way this guy has a real job, but they probably still try to do the husband wife thing: “Hi Honey, I’m home.” “Oh hi sweetie, how was work today?” “Not too good, had some trouble in the office; the McFlurry machine broke down again! I’m telling you, this job…I’m not loving it.”

What if these guys want to go on a vacation, or even go out for dinner? They’ve got to hire someone to take care of their child. How embarrassing must it be when you find out that you’re younger than the babysitter! This guy probably tries to act all macho though. “OK babysitter lady, you’re twenty-two years old, do you really think you have the life experience that is necessary to take care of a child? OK, you’ve got the job. Keep in mind we’ve interviewed a lot of people, while I ask you this favor..On your way here on Tuesday, you mind making a quick stop at the liquor store? Maybe buy me some liquor? Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not for me. It’s for my mom. That’s right. She has a big birthday coming up. Yep, the big 3-0! She’s turning thirty. I’m so excited, it’ll be a great party, my whole family will be there! My grandma, my great grandma, my great great grandma too! Unfortunately, my great great great grandmother is obviously not going to be at the party because she is no longer with us.she just moved back to Chicago to take care of her parents. Yah, they finally met the age minimum to move into a retirement home.”

I get compared to different semi-famous people from time to time. For most people I’m sure this is very flattering. For me it is not flattering. It is the opposite of the word flattering. According to the thesaurus, it is “churlish”. And the word which is the antonym to churlish is not flattering. I’m just as confused as you are right now. Here are some of the people I have been compared to, and I’ll weigh out the pro’s and con’s.

Justin Long

“You remind me of that kid from dodgeball” – Someone who is a douchebag

Reason I might have been compared to him:
His bio says he’s A likable, boyish-looking actor with thick eyebrows and a friendly smile”

Why I should take this as a complement:
He is a guy that would be recognized if he went into Starbucks and people like him.
He was in Waiting with Dane Cook, OMG.

Why I should be offended:
In his Mac computers commercials, he’s got a really bad mustache going on.
He was in Crossroads.
He always plays a geeky guy.

Verdict: Not too shabby

Patrick Fugit

“You remind of that boy from Almost Famous” – A nice lady

Reason I might have been compared to him:
Neither of us comb our hair.
We both hang out with Kate Hudson.

Why I should take this as a complement:
He was nominated for an MTV Movie Award.

Why I should be offended:
He was nominated for an MTV Movie Award.

Verdict: Inconclusive

Jay Baruchell

“Hey, you’re that kid from Million Dollar Baby, right?” – Random audience member at Improv
“Oh yeah, the retarded kid!” – A comic at the Improv agreeing with the last statement

Reason I might have been compared to him:

We’re both skinny and have brown hair.

Why I should take this as a complement:
He was in several episodes of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” and starred in “Undeclared”
Talented Actor
Why I should be offended:
I’m not retarded
He has a red maple leaf the size of a golfball tatooed over the left side of his chest
He’s Canadian
He has 2 middle names

Verdict: Not happy with this one

DJ Qualls

“Haha, you know who you remind me of? That white guy from Hustle N Flow!” – Some douchebag

Reason I might have been compared to him:

Douchebag wanted to see if I would punch him in the face.

Why I should take this as a complement:
N/A

Why I should be offended:
Dude……

Verdict: Lost a friend, but kept self respect.

In conclusion, I have a lot of free time. Who else do you think I look like? (careful….)

I was listening to Loveline recently when a really talented and innovative band called Good Charlotte was on. A 14 year old girl called in and said, “I just want to let you guys know that you saved my life.” She said that their song “Hold On” kept her from commiting suicide.

I think there should be a law that if a song written by a band that has been #1 on TRL more than three times writes a song that keeps you from taking your own life, you should be required to kill yourself.

I can see this girl in a support group for depressed young kids talking about what kept them going and wanting to keep on living life. “I found Jesus,” says one guy. Another teenager says, “I just realized how beautiful life is and I love my family so much, I couldnt imagine how horrible they would feel if I was gone.” “And what about you, Samantha? What made you want not commit suicide?” Says the group leader. “Well,” she says, “I went to my local Tower Records store and purchased The Young and Hopeless CD by Good Charlotte. Then I listened to track 14.” ”Then what happened?” “No, thats it. Well, then I went and got a tattoo on my hip saying how much I love my boyfriend, were going to be together forever! Im so emo. High school is going to be great!”

Here are some real posts I found while searching for the lyrics. I wish I was making these up. To be clear, I think it’s really sad that these kids are so depressed and tormented and I’m happy that they found their peace of mind however they found it, but they are clearly morons and need to get a life…no pun intended.

“I love this song. IT has such a good meaning and i love that it’s helping people out there through their pain. My friend knows people hwo are having some trouble with cuting their wrist and I just so hope they listen to this song and feel better PS: The twins are HOT!”



“I’ve tried to cut myself in the past. Then I listened to this song and something in my head clicked and it sorta opened a new door…the knowledge that there’s a light sumwhere at the end of this tunnel I feel like there’s no way out of. The guys from GC, as we all very well know, have been thru a lot, and they’re rele young! So yeah. thank you guys for writing this song!! “

“Ok I love good charlotte. I hat elife. Thi song is what keeps me up and going. I luff ya”

I love how in the same paragraph they can say both how the song helps save lives, and comment on how hot the singers are. (Hilary Duff, you lucky girl, you). Heres the lyrics to “Hold On” for your enjoyment. Is it ironic that listening to Good Charlotte makes me want to kill myself? I’m really going to miss being a teenager.

This world, this world is cold

But you dont, you dont have to go

Youre feeling sad youre feeling lonely

And no one seems to care

Youre mothers gone and your father hits you

This pain you cannot bare

But we all bleed the same way as you do

We all have the same things to go thru

Hold on…if you feel like letting go

Hold on…it gets better than you know

Your days you say theyre way too long

And your nights you cant sleep at all (hold on)

And youre not sure what youre looking for

But you dont want to no more

And youre not sure what youre waiting for but you dont want to no more

But we all bleed the same way as you do

And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on…if you feel like letting go

Hold on…it gets better than you know

Dont stop looking youre one step closer

Dont stop searching its not over…hold on

What are you looking for?

What are you waiting for?

Do you know what youre doing to me?

Go ahead…what are you waiting for?

Hold on…if you feel like letting go

Hold on…it gets better than you know

Dont stop looking youre one step closer

Dont stop searching its not over…

Hold on…if you feel like letting go

Hold on…it gets better than you know…hold on

My friend John has a lucky rabbits foot hanging from the rearview mirror of his car. I asked him what it was for, and he said for good luck, duh. John, you are 24, you live with your mother, you work at IHOP, and you drive a 93 Camaro. Either you forgot to turn the thing on, or you are a moron. Good luck with that.

Who came up with the idea of a Lucky rabbits foot? Obviously, the rabbit is not the lucky one. Hes the one missing a foot. The guy whose job it is to cut off rabbits feet, dye them pink, and stick on a chain cant be too lucky either. Shouldnt he be the lucky one? After all, he is coming in contact with these feet all day, 4 at a time even! And neither is the guy who runs the shop that sells these stupid things. So the lucky person is the one who buys the foot and rubs it? (This paragraph is much funnier if you read it out loud doing your best Jerry Seinfeld impersonation).

I dont know where Im going with this.

“I didn’t want to go to New Orleans anyways.” That’s what I keep saying to myself. Who wants to go to a city where it’s 140 degrees, expensive, and just been ravaged by a natural disaster? A comic who has bills to pay, that’s who.

“Oh boy, since I’m going to be performing in New Orleans next month, I’ll be able to pay my rent for July and also have money left over to purchase an Ipod! Oh snap.” – Me: June 12, 2006

“Oh shit, since I’m not going to be performing in New Orleans next week, I don’t know how I’m going to pay rent for July, or pay for that Ipod/Josh Groban CD ordered last night.” – Me: June 30, 2006

I got a call on Friday saying that whomever is in charge at Harrah’s in New Orleans looked on my website and found out I was only twenty years old. I was expecting to hear next, “He is so excited to see what your performance is like!” Or possibly, “He wanted to let you know that his gorgeous daughter just turned eighteen, and is attracted to handsome twenty year old comedians.” Instead, I was told that they will not allow someone under twenty-one in the casino. I was confused, since I’ve performed at the Harrah’s in Reno and Vegas on several occasions, but was told that each operation is run on its own; much like when you walk into a McDonald’s in Riverside County and see that it sells pizza and hot dogs. Then you say to yourself, “What kind of a McDonald’s sells pizza and hot dogs?” The answer of course, is a McDonald’s ran by some douchebag in Riverside County who decided he wants to be independent from the rest of the franchise even though its a stupid idea. Catch up with me, people.

I thought about what my options were. I could say my webmaster made a mistake on my bio and get a fake ID to prove my “real age” of twenty-one…I could do that. But how could I get a fake ID on such short notice, who would I call? Who do I know that is down with the underbelly of Los Angeles, hangs out with thugs and criminals all day and night, and can get me a fake ID? KT Tatara of course (as seen on Live at Gotham & Comedy Express TV). He advised me against the fake ID route, smartly reminding me that there’s a big different between having a fake ID with a fake name and address to get into a bar, and having a fake ID with my real info on it to use to stay at a hotel and get into a casino. While I do have some street cred (see previous blogs), I’m not looking to get a felony any time soon. Besides, I’m still on parole for the last time I beat up some cops, so the last thing I need is another blemish on my record.

So no New Orleans trip for me. I refuse to ever go there (unless I’m offered to perform there again after I turn twenty-one). Please join me in my protest of the city of New Orleans, and any state that begins with the letter “L.” I’m a pretty optomistic guy, as was the man who booked me for the show. He joked “here’s a good story for when you do panel.” For you common folk, “panel” is when you sit down on the couch of a late night talk show and and have a conversation, instead of doing regular standup. So if one day, twenty years from now, I have the pleasure of being on the Tonight Show with Carson Daly, and he asks, “Hey Taylor, anything ridiculous ever happen to you back when you were underage and performing standup comedy?” I will say, “Yes, I don’t want to get into it right now, but check out my blog from July 3rd, 2006.” And you will be prepared not to laugh while watching this, because you knew I was going to say unfunny like that.

In other news, I hope comedy clubs in Fairview Heights, Illinois have a strict 21 performer policy. And no, I didn’t really purchase any Josh Groban CDs. But I do really like that one song….

I’m doing the New Faces showcase at the Just for Laughs festival! Please forward this to anyone you know that may have been mean to me in high school (part 2).

Congrats to everyone else who is going!  This is awesome.

Check out myspace.com/justforlaughs or www.hahaha.com for more info!

I take back anything bad I’ve ever said about Canada.

Love,
Taylor
www.taylorwilliamson.com

PS - If you have not yet already done so, check out my fantastic in depth interview with one of my favorite comedians ever, Todd Glass! It’s video clip 2 on his page. If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I could be the next Barbara Walters!
myspace.com/toddglass

Last November, I got a phone call from someone. It was 11AM, so I decided not to answer the phone and keep sleeping, they should know better. I woke up an hour later to listen to a voicemail from the casting director at Jimmy Kimmel Live. “Taylor,” He said, “Call me back ASAP, I want you to do a sketch with Uncle Frank today.” This was one of the most random phone calls I’ve ever received. I don’t even know how he got my phone number. I called him back, and he told me about the sketch. “We’re going to do a hidden camera thing with Uncle Frank at a mall. No one knows what is happening, him and the camera man think they are there to film a segment, and your job is to do some improv and ruin the shoot. Sound good?” And this is where I went wrong…..”Sounds like a lot of fun! Just so you know…I’m not that good at improv…” What??? Did I really just say that? “Don’t say that to me…” he said. “I was just kidding” I retorted. Good recovery, Taylor! He told me he’d call me back about the shoot.

Right when I got on the freeway, I got a call back telling me the shoot got cancelled and that they’d reschedule for next week sometime. “It happens” he said. Oh well, no big deal. Right?

I saw the casting director at the Improv a couple weeks later, and he had some news for me. “I just want to let you know, the sketch wasn’t cancelled. I gave it to someone else.” This is probably where another person might become sad or jealous or angry, but when I found out who it was that got the part, I was actually happy for him. “Good for him!” I said. This guy has probably been doing comedy longer than me, and he has a baby on the way, he could use the exposure more than me. “You don’t understand, this was his break.” “That’s fantastic! He’s a good guy.” “You aren’t following me….He got paid $1300, and Jimmy liked him so much, he’s going to be a regular on the show.” I felt like saying “Yikes!”, but all I could say was “Good for him,” and I meant it.

Some people have a philosophy about Hollywood that you need to “fake it till you make it” – I have one, it’s called “don’t blow it on national television” – I probably was a moron, and I probably wouldn’t be as honest if this happened again, but I think in the long run I’m happy with the way things worked out. This guy’s since been on the show four times now (not that I checked or anything), and I have had 2 HBO half hour specials. I think we’re both doing OK.

What if I did get the part though? How would this have changed my life, or yours, even? Maybe I’d have some videos up on my Myspace page! Or maybe….actually, that’s the only thing I can think of. Oh, and my mom wouldn’t have had to help me by my new laptop. That’s about it.——In other news, I just bought a bag of sunflower kernals. That’s right! Not sunflower seeds, sunflower kernals! THERE ARE NO SHELLS! How did this happen? Who came up with such a genius idea? I don’t know, but I was so excited about the idea of this food that I bought a bag before remembering that I don’t even like sunflower seeds. Thanks Walgreens!